Cycling home my path was blocked by a rather rotund policeman....
P: presume you know why I've stopped you?
Me: No, I have no idea
P: I presume you know it's an offence to cycle on footpaths
M: Yes I do
P: Then why are you cycling on a footpath?
M: I'm not, this is a cycle path
P: What makes you think this is a cycle path?
M: that blue cycle path sign you're standing next to
P: No that's a No Cycling sign
M: No it is isn't that sign is white with a red border and usually has a bike with a cross through it
P: No you're wrong.
I then proceeded in a Westerly direction and pointed to a white bicycle painted on the ground......
M: do we think this painting of a bicycle indicates A) a bicycle has been murdered or B) this might actually be a cycle path?
P: You're a ****
M: thank you officer, good evening.
PENSIONERS IN VESTS
MEN OVER 25 IN FOOTBALL SHIRTS ANYBODY IN REPLICA RUBGY SHIRTS THE WEARING OF COMEDY BREASTS DRINKING MILK
EATING ANY DAIRY PRODUCT BASED PUDDING
EATING OF ANY CHICKEN BASED FAST FOOD
WEARING OF CAMO CLOTHING UNLESS IN ARMED FORCES
WEARING HATS INSIDE
WEARING HATS IN CARS
WEARING WOOLY HATS IN ANY SEASON OTHER THAN WINTER WELLINGTONS UNLESS WORN IN A FIELD
THE USE OF GOLF UMBRELLAS UNLESS ON GOLF COURSE
THE CONSUMPTION OF BANANAS
THE WEARING OF FOOTBALL SHORTS UNLESS DURING A MATCH
CARRYING A PET OF ANY DESCRIPTION UNLESS IN THE CORRECT CARRYING EQUIPMENT WALKING BAREFOOT ( ESPECIALLY WHEN A VICAR IN MUCH WENLOCK )
ASKING FOR SPARE CHANGE
WEARING LONG SOCKS UNLESS A SCHOOLGIRL
USING LOUD SPEAKER ON MOBILE PHONE
SHOUTING UNLESS IN AN EMERGENCY WEARING SUNGLASSES INDOORS WEARING SUNGLASSES ON A DULL DAY
THE WEARING OF DUNGAREES CALLING SOMEBODY YOU DON’T KNOW CHAP
CALLING SOMEBODY YOU DON’T KNOW DUCK
CALLING SOMEBODY YOU DON’T KNOW LOVE/SWEETIE ETC
DRESSING YOUR DOG IN A COAT UNLESS IT'S A GREYHOUND IN RACING COLOURS
WEARING T-SHIRTS WITH COMEDY SLOGANS
THE USE OF AN UMBRELLA OR WALKING STICK TO POINT OR GESTICULATE
NOVELTY SOCKS COMEDY TIES ( ESPECIALLY SIMPSON ONES )
MOBILE PHONE RINGTONES THAT ARE NOT 'RING' OR MUSIC ( ESPECIALLY COMEDY SHOUTING )
USING A PLASTIC BAG TO CARRY ANYTHING OTHER THAN SHOPPING DRINKING ALCOHOL IN PUBLIC TRACKSUITS UNLESS WORN WARMING UP FOR A SPORTING EVENT
THE DRINKING OF WATER FROM A BOTTLE ( UNLESS DURING A BREAK IN YOUR TENNIS MATCH )
RIDING A MOTORCYCLE IN SHORT SLEEVES DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION ( SHORT DURATION KISSES OF GREETING ALLOWED )
GROUP HUGS
TOUCHING OF FISTS
JOGGING IN THE ROAD
LARGE MEN RIDING THEIR CHILDRENS BICYCLES
ALLOWING YOUNG CHILDREN CONTROL OF THEIR OWN ICE CREAM FINGERLESS GLOVES UNLESS WORN DURING PRODUCTION OF OLIVER
ANY KIND OF CLOTHING THAT INCORPORATES A BELL
WIND CHIMES
GREETING CARDS THAT PLAY A MUSICAL MELODY
ANY KIND OF AMATEUR PERFORMANCE. THIS INCLUDES KARAOKE
FLASHING CHRISTMAS LED LIGHTS ANY BLUE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS. ( CHRISTMAS IS RED OR WHITE )( AND NOT FLASHING )
TOOTING OF CAR HORNS FOR MORE THAN HALF A SECOND DURATION READING WHILST WALKING
SOCKS WITH SANDALS
FLIP FLOPS ( UNLESS ON THE BEACH ) HIPSTER JEANS
UNDERWEAR AS OUTERWEAR
LOW SLUNG JEANS EXPOSING UNDERWEAR
BIRDS IN CAGES
AIR DRUMMING TO ANY ROCK SONG ESPECIALLY PHIL COLLINS
DANCING AT PARTIES BY ANYBODY OVER THE AGE OF 25
USE OF ANY HEADPHONES APART FROM INNER EAR STYLE
WEARING OF ANY HATS BACKWARDS OR AT JAUNTY ANGLE
NOT HAVING MONEY READY AT A TILL HAVING SHIRT CUFFS UNDONE UNLESS WASHING UP OR IN A MEDICAL EMERGENCY
ASKING WHO'S THAT WHEN SOMEONE ANSWERS THE PHONE
CARRYING A RUCK SACK ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT
PENSIONERS USING SUPERMARKETS AT THE WEEKEND
PLAYING MUSIC IN CARS WITH THE WINDOWS OPEN
TUNELESS WHISTLING
EATING OF CHOCOLATE BY ANYBODY UNDER THE AGE OF TEN
POINTING WITH CUTLERY
THE WEARING OF LYCRA UNLESS INVOLVED IN A SPECIFIC SPORTING ACTIVITY
STOPPING WITHOUT WARNING ON A BUSY PAVEMENT
ASKING DIRECTIONS AND THEN QUESTIONING THE RESPONSE OVERZEALOUS APPLICATION OF PERFUME
THE WEARING OF FLESH COLOURED CLOTHING
STARTING TO CROSS WHEN THE GREEN MAN HAS ALREADY STARTED FLASHING
USE OF THE WORD MAN MORE THAN ONCE IN ANY 5 MINUTE CONVERSATION
ANY KIND OF PERSONAL GROOMING PROCEDURE
